I’ve always been skinny, naturally thin with a virtual impossibility of gaining weight. Yet, in high school, for a time, I was anorexic. They traditionally say eating disorders are about control. I was no exception. I had the worst time coming to grips with my sexuality, so starving myself became a coping mechanism. I had never been more than maybe 125 lbs, at 5’ 8” so any realistic concern was all in my head! Yet, it was there, it was persistent, and it could have ruined my life. My junior year, at the time of sitting for my SATs, I hadn’t eaten for almost a week, and blacked out later the same day, at around 110-115lbs. I was bad off.
Eventually, as I came to accept myself, I stopped starving, but my weight never really changed, it returned to it’s normal (for me) 125, and has virtually remained there ever sense. But, now, I’m 23, and about 5’ 11” to 6’, and my weight (last I checked about two months ago) was 129lbs. So, inspired by taking two fitness classes last month, mid May-early June, (a fitness walking class and a physical conditioning class) I decided once the class ended my work outs would not. Thankfully, I dabbled in dumbbell workouts in later high school (getting up at 4:30 am to work out before school, so I have a few dumbbells lying about, and there really are a lot of exercises you can do with just your body, walls, and a floor. So, after the class ended, my workouts have not only persisted, but increased.
In the class, I exercised about 4 days a week. Now, I exercise 6. I have a chest/arms day, a back/legs day, and an abs day. I got the exercises from a book I’ve had since high school, and I’ll be the first to admit, the daily grind of it gets to me at times, but the relief in having done it is simply amazing. Granted, I won’t be on the front of a magazine anytime soon, but if you ask anyone who knows me, there’s a definite difference, and I’m totally good with that! To compliment it all I recently cut, and colored my hair markedly shorter, and blonder, and I certainly could get used to the way the whole thing makes me feel!
Actually, that was why I wanted to write this, I find that to be the greatest benefit of taking care of yourself, the way it makes you feel. Granted, I also have totally changed my diet. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been one to eat badly, and after reading “Fast Food Nation” it’s a rarity that you’ll find me in a McDonalds or Taco Bell anyway, but I’ve gone a step further, I never eat out anymore, unless I go out with my parents or friends, and even then I try my best to make good choices. I basically eat the same stuff every day now, and as boring as that may sound, it’s not about the food as much as the nutrients. Daily, I have something like this:
Breakfast: oatmeal (Strawberries and Cream is my favorite made with soy milk) or raisin bran with soy milk
Midmorning Snack: Peanut butter on bread with honey
Lunch: Tuna (large can, drained), vegetables (usually asparagus)
Afternoon snack: a small bag of nuts, either almonds or peanuts
Dinner: (late, because I work in the evenings) usually one of the above, or a can of soup
If it doesn’t show, I’m somewhat of a picky eater, but I try to make sure I get enough calories. From the research I’ve done online, that number seems to be somewhere between 1900 and 2800 (the latter coming from the US Government’s website), so I try to shoot for over 2000, which is a far cry from my high school diet of 500-1000 a day, if that.
But the thing that gets me is, when I look at myself, I don’t feel like I’m missing out by not having cookies, chips, soda, cake, etc, etc, etc. Because, here’s the kicker, I feel good about myself REALLY good. I’ve never been a positive person, I’ve always been the negative, glass half empty, waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’ll die alone, person. But now, I forward to tomorrow. I honestly don’t know where the change of heart comes from, but much of it, in part, has to be the beginnings of some genuine self-confidence, and the realization that, you know, my life is pretty damn good. I have a set of amazing, and I do mean amazing, parents, a small set of good friends, not to mention I’m now done with my undergraduate degree and now I’m having a huge party later this month with all my family and friends to celebrate!
Yet, I’m also on pins and needles waiting for October to be shipped off to England (accompanied by my mother who’s never been anywhere in the world, let alone Europe!), the place in the world I can honestly say, I’m happier than any other, to continue my literature studies. I get to spend the next year jobless, doing nothing but lounging around the south of England reading, and writing about Shakespeare and the English Renaissance… yeah, my life is pretty damn good!
